As a transgender woman, I am not unfamiliar with the circumstance that Senator Roem found herself in. Early in my transition, my PhD therapist mentioned that people who misgendered me were engaged in a form of abuse. I understood what she was saying, but did not feel as strongly about it as she did, because I knew that I really did not look like the woman I was becoming at the time.
Even today, I occasionally run into people who misgender me, even though I am now passable. For the most part, I just shrug it off. We all make mistakes. I even find myself doing it from time to time to my best friend who is a transgender woman. I have always known her as a woman. I did not know her in her previous incarnation. It is certainly not intentional.
I think it is important to differentiate between those instances where people make an honest mistake, as opposed to those who are intentionally trying to hurt us and know better. One is innocent; the other is malicious. There is a huge difference. Different responses are appropriate, depending upon the circumstances.
After watching the video snippet of the incident, I get no sense that Lieutenant Governor Sears was intentionally trying to hurt Senator Roem. Her apology seems sincere as does her insistence that she is well aware of what it is like to be treated with disrespect, being a black woman. I think in her case it was an honest mistake.
Was Senator Roem’s reaction in quietly leaving the Chamber appropriate? I think that depends upon one’s perspective. Viewed as a response to a simple misstatement by the Lieutenant Governor, it can be argued that it was a bit extreme. On the other hand, it was a highly visible political environment. Many who watched what transpired do not have a benevolent attitude towards transgender people. Taking a firm stance against even the hint of abuse implicit in being misgendered (intentional or not), sent a clear message to those who think such conduct is acceptable. Under that perspective, I think Senator Roem’s reaction was entirely appropriate.
During the many similar encounters in our day-to-day lives, the right thing to do is not always obvious or the facts black-and-white. We all struggle with how to firmly expect civility without appearing so indignant as to be viewed as hyper sensitive whiners. It is a difficult balancing act.
