First a minor mea culpa. I did use the term “fully transition” but not in a derogatory way. Perhaps I should have said “fully physically transition”. Physical status is irrelevant to the legitimacy of any trans person and the respect owed them. I think we both agree on that. I was merely trying to differentiate two different physical types for purposes of my response. Yes GAS is expensive. My own little excursion to California, where I am currently recovering from my own, will cost me a little over $100,000 all in, including $30,000 for surgery, $58,000 for hospital costs and the balance for travel, a month’s lodging and incidentals. The charges are ridiculous and unrelated to any rational real cost, but that is a different conversation. My heart breaks for those to whom this step is totally out of reach.

There is much room for learning and rethinking sexuality, and I made that point months ago in a different forum. I received a somewhat hostile response to the effect that no one had a right to dictate to the writer what he should like or not like. I told him I did not disagree, but was merely suggesting that if someone were attracted to another who turned out to be trans and was equipped a little differently, wouldn’t the attraction transcend the physical challenges and make the relationship worth pursuing in spite of this? This is a very real challenge for me personally. Being a new vagina carrying member of the female club, I have some decisions to make. As a male I always liked women and physical compatibility was part of the equation. Over the decades, I found out I had had one relationship with a post op trans woman who never told me her identity or status. It would not have made any difference to me because to me she was just a beautiful woman and the physical side worked without any problem. If I had discovered a penis I would most likely have broken the relationship off, but not thought any less of her. I would have merely gone my own way.

Now that I am post op I am reevaluating my sexuality. I still like women, so am I a lesbian? But then I would have the equipment problems all lesbians face as a challenge, and I am not sure I am prepared for this as a steady diet. And then I have this wonderful new vagina and there is part of me that wants a man, but not just any man-someone I connect with-to make love to me. So is my sexuality changing and am I becoming more adventurous? Probably. Am I evolving into a heterosexual trans woman? Maybe. Is that even a thing? All I know is that I didn’t buy this expensive new sports car to just leave it parked in the garage, if you know what I mean, especially since it is going to need a lot of care, a lot of waxing and polishing to be maintained at peak performance levels. Accordingly I would currently describe myself as pan romantic. If I am attracted to someone and they to me, we will figure out the rest, even if it is a bit challenging. At the end of the day, at least for me, it is the love and affection between two people which should control and that is not necessarily dependent on physical sexual identity, appearance or gender. I think that is what you were trying to say in your original article, as well as emphasizing that all sexes were to be accepted and celebrated, even if some were nontraditional or not one’s personal cup of tea.

I have never been to Asia or the Mid East so am unfamiliar with their cultural attitudes toward trans women, though it pleases me that you find them enlightened. It would be nice to spend time there. I am far better equipped to address both the open and soft bigotry of fundamentalist Christians in the US. I spent over 30 years in prison ministry. Participants came from many Christian faith traditions ranging from non denominational biblical literalists and over the top Charismatics to Progressives from traditional denominations such as Methodists, Presbyterians, Lutherans and Episcopalians and everything in between. We also had our share of conservative Roman Catholics. Because of my seniority and visibility, I had hundreds I considered close friends and many more who viewed me as a mentor. I was also part of formal leadership, serving on the Advisory Council to the prison in which I primarily served, being the Communications Director and Volunteer Access Coordinator and often the Advising Leader to the semi annual weekend retreats we put on. I knew that coming out to my peers would end my participation in the ministry and it has. People were cordial and we worked on an orderly transition of my duties to others which was performed seamlessly without drama. People treated me politely, No one was openly hostile. Some of my closest friends asked if I had thoroughly thought this out or if I had consulted with my pastor/priest, but I received few comments otherwise. Only one particularly close friend has remained in close contact—a retired Methodist Pastor—who checks in frequently. I can tell even he has his doubts, but he has been nothing but supportive of me personally. I am grateful for his friendship. In terms of my own practice of Christianity, I have moved to the Metropolitan Community Church which was formed in 1968 in Los Angeles to specifically meet the needs of the LGB and later TQ community. I have found a home there and have sacrificed little in the way I practice my faith.

The rabid reactionary conservative Evangelicals who are politically active and highly visible, and who unfortunately pollute the image of Christianity for many, may be highly intolerant and condemning, but are not representative of most practitioners in my opinion. They are a vocal bigoted minority who are all about the power and the money and embody everything Jesus railed against in Judea 2000 years ago. Most thinking Christians who understand that the primary message of Jesus is unconditional love, are far less intolerant. But this does not mean that they are accepting either. The group I worked with for three decades actively engaged with a group, prisoners, who are despised and rejected by most of mainstream society and taught them love, acceptance and forgiveness and embraced those attitudes toward them ourselves. We often called the men in blue brothers and really believed it.

It is thus somewhat ironic that I doubt that many I ministered with would have the same attitude toward trans and nonbinary people. I suspect that most would be uncomfortable with us, if not totally unaccepting, and would make no effort to engage or understand. Most would dismissively hide behind the overused convenient platitude of “love the sinner, hate the sin” to smugly justify their attitude. This probably would cross over to the way they would treat transgender people in a dating situation. I suspect there would be little tolerance for a non heterosexual relationship or one that seemed superficially heterosexual, but in fact involved a trans woman. Does this represent entrenched or culturally imprinted bigotry? Maybe, but I think it more likely reflects total unfamiliarity with the trans condition and a certain inability to know how to deal with it. None of the Christians I know and respect would be so dismissive. Those that would be, are parts of groups I reject as not being true followers of Jesus or severely mistaken in their understanding of the faith. Would any of my former colleagues try to become more involved with the trans and nonbinary communities if I asked them? I doubt it, though I have not asked any to do so. They have their own interests. Those promoting the rights of all people are a different group and one with which I have only recently become engaged. I am sure that it is highly populated by people of faith of all types, including thinking Christians. America is far less a society polluted by political conservatives preaching political hate than you might imagine. They are merely a visible minority, especially in the era of the orange headed one with the bad comb over. Most people are far more open minded and not caught in the gooey pollution you abhor. Part of what you are seeing is the death throes of an America which never actually was, merely glorified in movies and popular lore.

What is true is that America has historically been a country embracing traditional family values—one cisgender man and one cis gender woman, married with 2 1/2 heteronormative children and one pet. LGBTQ+ people were less shunned and condemned by the ordinary American than invisible to them. They did not even know they existed unless having one of them present in their own family. Visible acts of violence toward the community by the authorities such as Stonewall barely registered on most peoples’ consciousnesses. They may have been aware of the events, but hardly understood the horror it represented to a group of people just longing to live their own lives and be left alone. This was not insensitivity so much as lack of understanding. Society has changed dramatically in the 50 years since and attitudes are for the most part far more progressive, but there is work still to be done. Many still worry about traditional social perceptions and how they may be affected if straying from the norm. Being sensitive to social convention is not unreasonable per se. It only becomes problematic when used as a club to attack and dismiss a whole group of people. This is utterly unacceptable and you have highlighted how this tendency has infected the transgender dating scene in particular. It is education and visibility which will complete the process of enlightenment. That is why both you and I write. Your response suggests that you have far more personal experience with the problem than I. I am a baby trans—married to boot—and just embarking on my journey of socialization. Perhaps I am still a bit naive, but I am hopeful I can navigate the arena without too much condemnation and blowback by being proudly candid about who I am. It has worked for me so far. As a final parenthetical note, I do not think it is stinky and pathetic that men would still consider themselves binary if pursuing either you or me. For most men, I think the concept of being binary relates to the desire to place their penises in a vagina. That works very well I can assure you from experience. When I had a penis I would not have worried about the origin of the vagina I entered, just its accessibility. I would have considered myself binary as well regardless of the origin of said vagina. To think myself nonbinary would have required activity with other kinds of orifices or sex with people equipped like me and differently gendered..