I am a passable postop transgender woman. I would generally expect people who meet me to use she/her pronouns. At this point in my evolution, I would be a bit annoyed if I were misgendered because I do not in any respect appear to be male, except for my height at a little over 6 feet. It occasionally happens because my voice is still somewhat of a giveaway, but I am not overly offended if I correct someone and they change their way of addressing me. It shows that they are sensitive to the issue. However, people who persist in not respecting my true gender are a different matter.

There have been times where I have been referred to as “they” by someone who does not know me. I find that description to be gender neutral. I do not think that the person is treating me as gender nonconforming or gender fluid, but trying to be cautious in their description of me. It does not bother me in the slightest. I think it is a good default approach to talking to individuals whose gender may be ambiguous or unknown. I suspect most other transgender people would feel the same.

There was a time early in my transition, where I hardly looked like the woman I already was inside. I was much more tolerant of people misgendering me. I felt that their confusion was understandable until I had a chance to explain to them what was going on and my true identity.

As my appearance has conformed to my female gender, I am less patient with misgendering. This is especially true of people who keep doing it after they have been corrected once or twice. That demonstrates a lack of respect for who I am if they do not make the attempt to identify me properly. Indeed, my gender therapist said that people who repeatedly misgender you after knowing better are engaged in a form of mental abuse. She is unwavering in her conviction about this. I am perhaps not quite as demanding, but it does get painful in the rare instances where this occurs.

So to answer your question, I think most, if not all, transgender people would have no problem with you using pronouns that match the way they appear when you first meet them. Ultimately, they will let you know how they would prefer to be addressed and will not take offense at someone making an incorrect assessment. None of us are so intolerant as to be unwilling to grant some leeway to those who make an initial mistake. It is not easy to adapt to a new form of addressing people and a new understanding of their identity, especially with those whose appearance may be somewhat gender ambiguous. The fact that there is a learning curve does not mean that the people are transphobic, they are just learning.

Ultimately the whole issue of determining how to address someone when you first meet them may be best resolved by using the more impersonal “they/them” rather than gender specific pronouns. In the meantime, until this becomes a more common social standard, hopefully we can all maintain enough goodwill to work on understanding each other and accepting that mistakes will be made without being too quick to take offense .