It is unfortunate that some, perhaps many, want to lay a guilt trip on their transgender friends and spouses. On one level it is understandable, but it seems unduly harsh. When I finally accepted my trans identity and decided to do something about it, I had a sense of clarity. I realized that there would be no compromise. I really didn’t care what the world around me and the people I knew best thought. I had no sense of guilt, because I understood that I was finally going to become the woman I always had been. There was no reason to be ashamed because of the way that I was born.
I was fully prepared to have my wife walk out on our marriage. I would not have blamed her. She did not sign up for what I was proposing. Surprisingly, she was very accepting. It initially gave me a great deal of optimism for the future. Likewise, for the most part close friends and family were also supportive, actually more than supportive. They called me things like courageous and authentic and sympathized with the agony I must have wrestled with over the years. The level of affirmation was reassuring.
Maybe I was lucky, or maybe my journey was a little different than many of the trans women I’ve come to know and whose biographies I have read over the years. I never cared much about dress one way or the other. Wearing women’s clothes and applying elaborate make up were relatively unimportant. I did have a bit of a fetish for women’s underwear, but externally there was nothing to indicate that I was anything other than a hetero normative male. My deepest yearning was to have the anatomy and functionality of a cis woman. That was my heart’s desire. I would have happily gone in for GRS the day after I reached my own decision about how I would live the rest of my life. The fact that I might still continue to look like a male and be regarded as one, was relatively unimportant. I knew the process of growing into my new body and identity would be an evolutionarily one. I was willing to be patient.
Some, but not many, of my old, mostly Christian, friends have tried to shame me by treating me as if I were sinful and an abomination. I actually feel sorry for them with their narrow minded bigoted attitudes. I consider them for the most part as being caring people, just ones who are sadly misinformed and unwilling to learn and grow. I can grieve the loss of the friendship, but I feel no sense of shame. I have nothing to apologize for. They are the ones whose attitudes need to change. I am merely a woman like any other and that is the way that society accepts me. The hatred and defensiveness I see discussed in some quarters has no impact on my day-to-day life. I try to ignore the external noise.
A trans peer of mine expressed how surprised she was that she was so accepted out in public when she went on a one week vacation dressing as her authentic self. To this point she has not done much to change her appearance. She observed that her confidence in her identity and her graciousness to those around her resulted in her being treated and viewed as the woman she is. I think it is easy to get defensive when we are attacked or feel like we are being shamed. It may be that the antidote to those who would attempt to make us feel guilty or place blame on us for the problems in our personal lives and the distress we cause in the lives of those close to us is just to be authentic and tune out the hateful background clutter. People can and do change. It is our kindness which overcomes the condemnation and hate and ultimately gives us peace of mind.
