Like you I am so tardy I am far from fashionably late. I don’t just think the party is over; the host has probably moved by now. But in the event the mail is being forwarded, here goes. Earlier today I replied at length to Devon’s original article and then your reply caught my attention. I only recently discovered Medium, so maybe I have a bit of an excuse. If becoming self aware were a school curriculum, I would have been held back multiple times. It took me until 69 to embrace my true identity. The awareness was very sudden—my world paradigm was turned upside down virtually overnight.
Once I accepted that I was MTF, I started to look for verification (or proof that I had lost my mind). Very quickly I discovered Dr. Z’s You Tube videos (disclaimer: she is now one of my therapists) and was drawn to one entitled The One Question to Ask To Know If You Are Trans. And that question was “Do you want to be like a woman or be a woman?” For me the answer was obvious. I then discovered a series of articles by a trans woman who had fully transitioned in 1980. She posited the issue in a different way. “If you fantasize about having your testicles and penis removed you are trans. Normal men, even gay men, do not do that.” And then I started reading books by and about trans women—23 to date. My sister in law kicked it off when she gave me a copy of Jenny Boylan’s She’s Not There. I cried my way through the last third. Her story was mine Each book I read resonated with me in some way. My experience was like visiting a National Forest I had never been to before, but as I began to walk the trails, each landmark was familiar. I knew the place. As Yogi Berra might say, it was deja vu all over again.
I was rushing along, sure I was on the right path and because of my age had an overwhelming sense of urgency to evolve as quickly as possible. Over the months I have learned to slow down and take pleasure in all the small steps involved in becoming. And that has given me time to think, to double check and reevaluate. I have suffered from doubt from time to time—especially during those times when not much seems to be happening. I worry about being able to pass. I dearly want to be accepted as authentic by my cis sisters. (My identity is binary MTF.) And in the darkness of doubt when I struggle to get my bearings, I ask myself if i would be happy to go back to where I was. The answer is always a resounding NO!. I cannot stand the thought of being forced to live out my days as the fraud I once was. I must embrace the future with all of its unknowns.
Like you I DGAF what people think, not because I don’t care about them—I do, but I will not be shamed or demeaned by them; I will not be subjected to their bigotry or ignorance. So Abbie you are a beautiful soul as well. Thank you for sharing. There are always stragglers!. LOL
Bryona
