Thank you for your response. You are always so kind and generous with your time. I am always curious about others’ attitudes and experiences. The more familiar I become with our community, the more complicated I realize peoples’ identities and sexual behavior are. It is actually quite fascinating. The whole area of asexuality is perhaps the most confusing, even to many of the experts who are involved in studying the phenomenon. There seems to be a lot of disagreement and different perspectives. One of the ideas I find most difficult to get my head around is someone who claims to be Ace but enjoys sex. The two concepts seem self contradictory.
I first became interested in this area of human sexuality quite by accident. Early this year, I was providing information to a newly transitioning trans woman on HRT who bemoaned the fact that her libido seemed to have disappeared. Having gone through a similar experience, I observed that the dramatic drop in their level of testosterone might be contributing to this, and that, if she raised it, her desire and ability to perform might improve. Even cis women need some testosterone for healthy metabolisms and to help stimulate sexual desire.
The response from others in the group was immediate and brutal. They claimed that I was suggesting that asexuality could be cured by raising testosterone levels. I was saying nothing of the sort, but they were very passionate and militant in their pushback. I found myself apologizing for any confusion or discomfort I may have created, but it got me more interested in looking at the various aspects of asexuality. This sub group of our community seems to be very defensive about their sexual identity. Given our hyper sexualized culture, I suppose this is understandable. Most of us have a hard time understanding how anyone would be totally uninterested in sex. One of the reasons that I often comment when demisexuality is discussed is because it took a long time for me to realize that this was my own sexual identity.
When I first began transitioning, I was quite certain of my gender identity. I was a binary woman. As to socialization and presentation, I was more fluid. I was happy wearing whatever I thought looked good on me and did not make the people around me overly uncomfortable. A business suit and an evening gown held equal appeal depending on the circumstances. Initially I thought I was pansexual. Most of my life I would’ve considered myself a very ordinary heterosexual male. When I finally accepted the reality of who I was, I suddenly had a strong interest in being with a man. My initial thought was that I was open to any kind of activity with any kind of person, no matter what their sex, gender and preferences might be. This seemed to be a reasonable conclusion. As time has gone on, I became aware that I did have my preferences. There were certain types of activities and individuals that held less appeal for me. I then began to realize that the spiritual and emotional aspect of relationships was fundamental to my sense of attraction. I understood I was really demisexual after I investigated it. I would refine my description of my sexuality a bit by adding that I am also pan romantic. I am still potentially open to any kind of a romantic relationship with any kind of person. I have not entirely closed the door to any particular group of individuals. I wrote an article about this a while back on Medium entitled My Changing Sexuality.
For about the last six months I have spent a considerable amount of time at a club where most of the patrons are gay men. I knew they would be accepting of me, but I was pleasantly surprised to realize that we genuinely liked one another. I thought they might be a little cliquey since I was not really their flavor. Some of them I have come to know quite well, and some have shared their struggles with their own sexuality. Many have expressed a sense of ennui that they don’t seem as interested in hooking up as they once did.
When I describe my experience of my own sexuality, they often latch onto it and say they feel the same. However, most of them had never thought much about, or investigated, the rich pallet of possibilities for intimate human encounters. Hopefully, what I have learned about myself has helped them to understand themselves better. Their response certainly suggests that they appreciate my time and insight. That deeply pleases me. Anytime I have a chance to connect with another person on whatever level is appropriate, my day seems a bit brighter.
