This article covers many things that I have been debating over the last year. Historically I have been a heteronormative male. But I also have enjoyed self penetrative sex with toys because of the stimulation of my prostate and have fantasized about being on the receiving end of a man. On the other hand I have never had interest in gay sex. My fantasies have always revolved around being female and being the recipient in a heteronormative way. This is one small aspect of my dysphoria. In a little less than two weeks, I will have been re-configured to become the woman I have always known myself to be. It will open the door for further investigation and I have a developing sense of anticipation.
As I have evolved over the past year I have noticed two things. First my primary attraction is still towards women, but I realize my understanding of my emotions may be a bit confused. Intermingled with my admiration of women of all types is an attempt to compare myself to them and examine the question of whether I can ever truly be one like them. So while there is still an attraction, part of it is that I am holding them up as paradigms of something I want to attain. At the moment friendship is more important than intimate engagement. For me there is a difference between identity and authenticity. My identity is firmly binary female, but my sense of authenticity is very dependent upon conforming my physical attributes to match those of natal women and to be able to pass. These are extremely important to me personally. In saying this I am not commenting upon others’ attitudes and needs, which may be quite different and which are equally valid. My fantasy of being made love to by a man predated any evolution or HRT and has been consistent over the decades. The primary things that I have noticed from estrogen and spironolactone are that my emotions are much more accessible (I cry with tears of joy at the drop af a hat) and that I am far less impatient and angry.
As time has gone on, I find myself looking at men from the viewpoint of them being possible sexual partners. Some of this may be hormonal, but I think it is more driven by the realization that my fantasy of becoming a Disney princess will soon be a reality, no longer just a dream, and I am trying to identify males I could develop a serious relationship with. I have long known what it feels like to have vaginal orgasms though I have technically never had one. (That is a conversation for a different time and place.) I am looking forward to finally experiencing this in the flesh as it were. Analyzing the world around me from a new perspective, some surprising things have become evident. I have always operated from a primarily female paradigm in the way I view the world, but now it has become firmly entrenched. I find that many males give little attention to their grooming and physical appearance. Much of their conversation seems crude and vulgar and their attitude toward women…? Well lets just say I am beginning to feel like Gloria Steinem. Then there are those that melt me with their eyes and kind nature—men I could envision falling in love with. Maybe my sexual orientation is changing, but I still like women.
And then there is Jen, a sensitive, lonely, creative, loving, pre op trans woman who has melted my heart and captured my soul. We have never actually met, but have carried on a months long, torrid, emotional love affair. She has become as dear to me as anyone I know—and I want her and she wants me. But… Jen has had several serious male partners over the decades, the last of whom died two years ago after a long time together. She has always considered herself a woman and has made love like a woman. She loves men, but does not consider herself gay. It has been a struggle for her to not try to talk me out of my own evolution.
So what am I? Early on I described myself as pansexual, open to any kind of relationship with any kind of individual. I realize now that this is not exactly true. I do have my preferences, however mixed they may be. I am actually pan romantic. I am physically attracted to those with whom I develop a strong spiritual and emotional attraction. Men, women, intersex, nonbinary, whatever. That is not the determinant. As to how to make the parts interact in a mutually satisfying way and deepen the connection, it can be figured out. In the end it is the love that is important.
